Hide n Seek
by Sinceslicedbread
Summary: Brendan Brady and Ste Hay's relationship hits a recurring road-bump. Will they survive? My first multi-chapter fic.
1. Chapter 1

**March 2011**

**HIDE**

They'd had a good time. In Manchester.

Brendan had managed to smuggle Ste away on one of his business trips.

Easily done.

Brendan had left on the Friday, leaving detailed instructions of how to find, the city, the hotel, the room.

Ste followed on the next day, visiting his wayward cousin - apparently.

Like love's young dream, they had concentrated solely on each other.

Laughing, talking, fucking, walking.

Fucking mainly.

They'd even wandered along to Canal Street, to take a look. To glimpse those not so fortunate as themselves. The others who were still searching .

Brendan had gently steered Ste away from the blatant drizzle-soaked bustle. A soft touch on the back of the neck was all that was needed to convey the message; we have no need of this.

Ste was happy to oblige. He was replete.

Ste had the sensation of feeling weightless the entire time he was away. Like he was an Astronaut, moon-walking, oblivious to the world's woes; concentrating only on his next step.

As they re-entered the orbit of HollyoaksVillage however, Brendan committed the sin that Ste had been dreading all weekend.

Unthinking and without fail, he dropped Ste's hand, as a lad came into view. Worse still, he shifted his holdall to his previously loving hand, to create a barrier between them.

Even though Ste didn't move a facial muscle, he was crying on the inside.

Once again Brendan had denied his existence.

Denied their relationship.

It wasn't the first time, but each slight cut deep. A continuous battery of pain slotting in the casing of the previous partially-healed wound.

The stiff upper lip Ste showed the world was coming to the end of its warranty, he had used it that often.

Still his head could still be described as being held high, even if his spirits were anything but.

-OOO-

Things continued.

They had been like ships passing in the night.

Unconsciously Ste had kept his distance both physically and emotionally from Brendan.

The club had unexpectedly become the playground du jour. Every minor celebrity just had to have their birthday, book launch and break-up on the premises. Ste had been working double shifts back-to-back, constantly busy, just out of reach.

Today there had been a lull.

Ste was nervous. He was right to be.

Brendan climbed the stairs two at a time and strode across the floor.

There was a distinct sense of urgency in the air.

"Stephen" he called out, cocking his head to the one side, motioning that he expected him to follow him.

Ste who understood his incognito role, set his work aside and obediently did as he was bid.

Apparently not quickly enough, for Brendan crossed the room at an even faster pace and practically pulled Ste into his office by his hoodie.

Once inside Brendan stated.

"I want ye, but we need to be quick."

"Charmed I'm sure."

"Hands or mouth? You choose."

"Mouth please" came the immediate response.

Brendan gave a curt nod in acknowledgement. He unsnapped, unbuckled and unzipped Ste in an instant. He lifted him onto his desk and dropped to his knees.

Ste barely had time to thrust . Three, four, five sucks and Brendan had achieved his aim.

The epitome of efficiency.

"Mmm- a liquid lunch, always a pleasure." Brendan teased.

His subsequent kiss revealed the aroma of his main course; this shared delight always made Ste's head spin.

Ste lent forwards to pull Brendan into an embrace, his legs finding their home around his waist, when they both heard Warren Fox's unmistakeable gait approaching the office.

Being rather heavy-set Warren had a tendency to wheeze as he ascended any staircase; unfortunate for him, but an early warning system for others.

"Move." Brendan dictated, loving no more.

Warren seemingly entered the office during a disciplinary.

"Don't let me catch you turning up for work in such an unkempt fashion in future, d'you hear?

You're a disgrace. You offend my eyes. Now get out of my sight.

I have no need of you."

Even though Ste knew this was an impromptu role-playing session, Brendan's words still stung.

Tucking his shirt back into his trousers and straightening his hoodie on his shoulders, he tried to catch Brendan's eye, to see if there was a secret sign hidden there. Some reassurance, (some love?).

He found none.

Did Brendan really have no need of him?

He wasn't entirely sure and he should be shouldn't he? At this stage of their relationship?

Ay, there was the rub, was this a relationship or just some over-extended booty-call?

Ste didn't often ponder on things deeply, but he thought he'd make an exception in this case.

He'd hate to step of a cliff, just because he hadn't been looking where he was going.

-OOO-

Ste wasn't a total pushover. He'd made Brendan pay next time they were _together_. He'd insisted on a sleepover, which Brendan had found difficult to arrange; eventually having to bribe Cheryl and Lynsey with a weekend mini-break, to make it possible.

Ste also extracted a promise that they would go on a grown-up date.

In public.

As a couple.

He only capitulated on one thing, it had to be outside of the Village.

Done.

Ste had been puppy-dog excited. He had Amy give him a haircut and he had assembled his best facsimile of a suit.

He even had money in his pocket.

Cinergy was to be the meeting place.

Almost on the edge of town.

Almost possible.

Ste's stomach had been catching butterflies all day. He had eaten anticipation for breakfast and lunch.

Trying not to fidget in his unaccustomed finery, Ste arrived early and waited on Brendan.

He saw him.

In the distance.

Striding purposefully towards him.

_He came. He's actually coming for me_, Ste thought in amazement.

The Gods sat down- no need to be on guard now.

This was the moment when Hollyoaks Village became Britain's third Piccadilly Circus.

Every person Ste had ever known suddenly decided that this was the thoroughfare of their choice.

Darren exploded out of Cinergy, throwing his chauffeur's hat to the ground, closely followed by Cindy herself. The employee-employer heated discussion that followed broke several trade union statutes.

Mercedes and Riley stumbled out of The Dog and proceeded to share their undying love with the world, tongues and all. Myra and Jacqui disembarked from the bus, arms and bags overflowing with their swag, carefully gleaned from their profitable day of window shopping. Lynsey also chose this precise moment to take up running. All of which Ste could have coped with if it hadn't have been for a pint-sized princess who was prancing further and further into his line of vision.

Mitzeee.

She wasn't alone. She had what appeared to be a business contact glued to her side and she was smiling, scrap that, make that gurning in Brendan's general direction.

_Ste had always thought that Brendan's fake friendship with non-existent benefits with Mitzeee was pointless. No-one really cared who Brendan was sleeping with and those that did were too scared to ask anyway. The only one who really gained from this arrangement as far as Ste could see, was Mitzeee. Her glass had never been empty since she had eagerly informed Ste of the ground rules, through a cloud of Chardonney. Brendan had tried to soothe him, by pointing out that this deal was a two way street, which led to Straightsville with dividends for them both. Ste could only see it leading to Narnia, but he kept that thought to himself._

Brendan was still smiling straight at him, he hadn't seen Mitzeee-yet.

Ste summoned the Gods, but they were on recess.

Mitzeee pounced, her tiny taloned hand crash landed on Brendan's chest. She broke his stride, stopped him dead.

She was all squeals and squawks and flying manes. There was much pointing and cajoling going on. Ste overheard the words business opportunity and lucrative.

His heart moved to the rooftop ready to jump.

Brendan looked around him once, just once.

Mitzeee moved to the winner's podium. Centre stage she stepped between the two men, linked arms and led them away.

Right past Ste.

Ste was too aghast to move.

Darren turned his head abruptly. He could have sworn that he'd heard something fragile breaking.

-OOO-

**Comments are always appreciated.**


	2. Chapter 2

**HIDE PART **_**II**_

Cheryl Brady had a moniker she wasn't especially fond of.

Strong.

"Oh you're so strong Cheryl, could you carry this for me?"

"You look like a strong lass - give us a push love."

"Chin up petal, you're strong, you'll get through this," and her personal favourite.

"You're so strong, you don't need a man."

Even though Cheryl prided herself on being a glass half-full kind of girl, she still felt that sometimes these utterances had barbed-wire wrapped around them.

It wasn't true that she didn't need a partner. She longed for a man, (any man the devil on her shoulder proposed. The right man her angel argued back).

A fortune teller had informed her that she was a Relater personality type, (as opposed to a Ruler, a Showman or the other anal personality type).

She prayed for harmony and happiness, either for herself or for others.

It seemed obvious to Cheryl, that we had been put on this planet, to find our soulmate, to settle down and be happy and she saw it as her mission to help those around her, achieve this goal.

As with her bio-rhythms, Cheryl felt she was finely attuned to the love vibes of others, and it would be cruel not to share this gift.

With this in mind Cheryl was getting ready to go out. She was off to only the second meeting of the Hollyoaks Book Club; although books and actual reading took a back seat to the clinking of glass-ware and the playing of hearts and crosses.

As she dealt with a tricky kiss-curl in the sitting room mirror, Cheryl stopped and sniffed the air.

Something was wrong.

Something was off kilter.

Brendan was singing.

-OOO-

Now to put this in perspective, this momentous occasion had to be measured against other global events that have only happened once before.

The submergence of Pompeii.

The sinking of the Titanic.

Brendan refusing seconds.

Cheryl crept nearer to Brendan's bedroom door, to verify her findings.

The only other time Cheryl had heard Brendan sing, was prior the camping trip he had gone on with Pete, before his terrible accident.

The lads had been looking forward to getting away from their folks and picking up girls. Obviously things had taken a wrong turn, but up until then Brendan had been buoyant.

Cheryl leant against her brother's doorpost and tried to peek into his room unobtrusively. Unfortunately she overbalanced and not knowing her own strength, toppled through the door which was slightly ajar, ending up in a heap on Brendan's immaculate, white baby polar bear shaped rug.

"Can I help you with something Chez?"

Brendan didn't even seem shocked to see Cheryl there. He was used to her special intensive brand of sibling affection. Others may have found strait-jackets to be looser, but Cheryl's love was as wholesome as it was binding. She had a heart of pure gold, but the gracefulness of a drunk giraffe.

"Ummph" was all Cheryl could manage as she untangled her limbs.

Brendan couldn't watch her struggle any longer and offered her a hand.

"You seem cheerful" Cheryl said as she rearranged her curls and cleavage.

"Why wouldn't I be Chez? The sun was shining today, Spring is in the air and the sap is rising."

"Your sap?"

"Now that would be telling" Brendan said with a hint of hoarseness in his voice.

"It's only that I thought I heard something earlier. Something tuneful."

"Could be Chez, could be."

"It's just that I know your vocal cords are attached to your heart strings, so is there something you're not telling me?"

Brendan squinted at his sister. She may look like an athletic Barbie, but she could be a perceptive little bunny when she wanted to be.

"Maybe."

Maybe! This was like a dam bursting. Brendan never let slip anything about his love life unless he was smitten. In the past he had been more open, but in recent years Cheryl had used everything from a tin opener to her teeth to try to get to the good stuff, but Brendan had been super secretive and stubborn.

This was a breakthrough.

Taking advantage straight away, Cheryl whipped out her phone and dashed off a text (book club could go hang), whilst settling herself on Brendan's pouff in the corner of his room.

"Spill mister and don't leave out the details." She demanded.

Brendan wasn't sure whether it was because he'd had a good week, profits were up or simply because he was ever so slightly squiffy but he refreshed his tumbler, after offering Cheryl some and started to speak.

-OOO-

"_First of all, let me say I'm as surprised by this as you are Chez. I've had bits and pieces over the years as you know, but nothing like this. This simply snuck up on me, when my head was looking the other way and initially I didn't know what to do, because it felt unlike anything I'd ever had before._

_I was news to them too. They'd never had anyone like me before either, so we were both feeling our way in the dark. Obviously I hid that fact better than they did, but still, it felt like we were in this brand new experience together._

_I was nervous Chez, can you believe that? Grown man, married with kids and yet… They were burrowing under my skin and it scared the Bejesus out of me. I hit out (metaphorically speaking). I tried all my usual coping mechanisms, but they were past their sell-by dates. I needed new ones, but none sprung to my hands._

_It was all a bit of a mad rush at first. We kept catching each other off guard. Surprising ourselves and then just going with it. We were swept away on the craziness of it all. I began to not make plans, to break my own rules and you know how I hate to be adrift. I almost, almost, began to rely on nothing more than me, my feelings, my instincts, my appetites. Like an animal._

_It wasn't a case that I wanted them. I had to have them, it was practically a need. _

_I could feel myself vibrate when they were near. I'd pulsate when we talked. I won't tell you how quickly I would lose my dignity when we were alone, but it was quick._

_It's getting to the point where they are all I can see. I passed serious a long time ago._

_I crave… I can't stop touching… When we are together, I have to make sure that we are physically connected somehow. I always make it seem as though it is accidental but…_

_I love to watch … sleep. I can't draw my eyes away from their chest. It's like seeing my heart beat in another's body. We share the same breathe often, I can literally follow it as it travels around my body under my skin, it makes it prickle with electricity. I'm alive Chez._

_There aren't enough hours in the day for us. We both try our best, but there are commitments on both sides. Time wasn't a priority for me at the beginning. I was quite content with our hit and runs but …. wanted more, demanded more, proper dates and the like. So I made the effort, but you know me I don't really date as such, so the first one was a bit of a disaster. My fault. I hold my hands up now and accept full blame. I got spooked. Stupid really._

_I was made to pay the price too. I've never really taken any notice of the emotional mind games couples normally play. It's always been my way or the highway, only this time I was forced to pay attention. I wanted to pay attention, how mad is that? I was made to see that there was more than one in this deal; that I had to think outside of my own skin if I this was to move forward. I'm not going to lie, it was a tough lesson to learn, why had this never crossed my mind before? I had to promise and deliver time away together, alone. We'd go and unravel each other away from real life. We'd entwine ourselves in our own private V.I., where all my wishes were granted. Chez, I love ya, but I didn't want to come home._

_I'd found peace._

_I'd found joy._

_I moved into protection mode. This needed protecting at all costs; so I took all the necessary steps to shield this thing that was now stitched onto my real self. I'm a Brady after all._

_I will fight until there is no more breath in my body to safeguard this. I've never said that before. That's just an example of what this thing does to me. I'm making promises that I know I will keep. I'm scouting out avenues and venues where I know we'll be safe. I just want total certainty, total control, is that too much to ask?_

_Often, when we're alone, late at night, I want to kidnap the sun, so that it won't rise until I'm good and ready. I want to control the elements so that the rain never falls on …._

_I want to be…'s only thought._

_I'm starting to have trouble sleeping without … It's not too bad though, I've got my good friend Jameson here to help me along. It's only that I dream, of … I can't help it. It's as though my brain won't shut down without the reassurance that we will see one another again. I double-check everything constantly. I have to, before I can breathe out._

_Wallet, keys …, phone._

_It's my new habit. It's engrained now._

_Before… I thought I was thirsty, now I realise I was dehydrated. I'm being brought back to life by them and I couldn't be happier."_

_-OOO-_

Brendan cocked his head to one side and blinked several times. He'd kind of zoned out there for a while. He wasn't entirely sure that he'd not said anything that he shouldn't have. He looked intently at Cheryl's face, trying to gauge her reaction, but his good friend Jameson was interfering with this task. He blamed his friend for acting like a truth serum at times. He desperately hoped that this wasn't one of those times.

Cheryl gazed at Brendan long and hard. She had the feeling that she was seeing him for the very first time.

A fresh side of him was being revealed and yet she had the peculiar notion that it had been there all along. Hidden just beneath the surface.

A shiver ran down her spine.

His soul ran down her spine.

She smiled, she loved this new version of Brendan and always would, if he would let her.

-OOO-

**Comments are always appreciated.**


	3. Chapter 3

"**N" SEEK**

Brendan stood there and took it, he owed Ste that. He didn't move a muscle, didn't flinch as Ste repeatedly hit him in the chest. Pummelled him. Punched out his rage.

His disappointment.

His disappointment in him.

He could see the tears of frustration that clung to Ste's fan-like lashes. They threatened to cause their own tsunami. Wave after wave of emotion was washing over Ste, and his contours could barely manage to contain them.

Brendan knew that this was a necessary step in the whole "break up, make up" scenario but to be honest he was… well, bored.

He'd tried to pay some attention to the gabbled words and the half-choked sounds that Ste made, but Ste had flown at him with such speed and ferocity, that by the time Brendan had managed to play catch-up, he'd missed the first Act and just thought he'd wait until the interval now to ask for a recap.

Not that Ste had seemed to notice. He was so caught up in his own private vortex, he could have played to an empty auditorium and not paid any heed to the lack of applause.

Brendan flexed his core muscles, they could do with the extra support, Ste had become fixated on his third and fourth ribs and Brendan needed to focus on his happy place if he was to make it through this.

"Spineless shit, gutless wonder , lily-livered, yellow-bellied coward!"

"Anything else Stephen?"

"God, even now you're not taking this seriously are ya?. You think this is a joke don'tcha? Am I a joke to you?"

"Stephen, 'course not. Don't be silly."

Ste exploded further.

"Silly. So now I'm silly? Do you really think that condescension is the best way to go right now?

Silly, stupid Ste, always getting his knickers in a twist over us; over nothing."

"I never said stupid."

"No but you were thinking it weren't ya? You were thinking, what does he know about feelings? About things that matter? The stupid scruffy lad from the council estate. The chav that was dragged up. He can barely read, so that must mean he can barely understand."

"I really hope I'm not paying you by the word Stephen."

Bam.

That last remark earned Brendan a well-aimed blow to the collarbone. Brendan had to take a step back to absorb the blow, his eyes began to water.

Time to change tactics.

"Stephen" he said, grabbing hold of his arms to achieve some sort of respite from the damage that was being done.

"Stephen. Look at me."

Ste made sure his head remained resolutely pointed towards the floor. Brendan had to bow his head in order to make eye contact.

"Stephen, you are nowhere near a joke to me, trust me on this. I had to go with Mitzeee, It was business, and she is officially my girlfriend,"

"So, I'm your boy…"

"Don't say it." Brendan implored.

"…friend."

Brendan began to dry-heave. Even if it was true, the word aggravated his stomach lining.

"So now I make you sick. Thanks a lot."

Brendan growled out loud.

"You're making this very difficult."

Ste raised his head.

"I'm making this difficult? I'm not the one hiding under the fur coats in the back of the closet."

"This again."

"Yes, this again, Brendan please just come out. This pretence makes no sense. It's killing me."

"Not gonna happen."

"Why not? Do you prefer your _girlfriend_ to me? Ste wrenched himself out of Brendan's grasp. He took a step back and cocked his head to one side, copying Brendan's usual stance. He continued in a low measured tone.

"So when we're in bed and you're in the throes and you're pleading with me, (Ste mimicked Brendan).

_Please Stephen please._

"When your dick is buried balls deep in my arse - do you still wish you were with Mitzeee? With a woman?"

"No Stephen."

"So come out then."

"NO STEPHEN!"

Brendan wasn't sure if it was his head spinning or the room, but his nausea was definitely on the move.

He slumped down onto a chair and placed his head in his hands. Even though Ste was ready to throw bricks at him, his first thought was to offer comfort.

His man needed him.

Ste knelt down beside Brendan and took his hands in his.

"Ye know I hate fighting with you, don't ye?"

Brendan offered up a weak chuckle,

"You do it so well regardless."

Ste laughed and kissed both of Brendan's hands, one at a time.

"Do that again." Brendan asked softly.

So Ste did.

"Gissa 'nother kiss" he drawled his eyes heating up.

"Here" he indicated, tilting his chin up, presenting his lips.

Ste wasted no time in climbing onto Brendan's lap, and planting the first of a host of kisses on his mouth.

It felt good to be _friends_ again. It felt good to nip at the flesh that brought him so much pleasure again.

Brendan evidently felt the same way, because he had slipped his tongue into Ste's mouth and was swirling patterns onto the roof of it. Ste's lips laughed around this activity. He actually gurgled with delight.

Losing himself in Ste, brought about an obvious reaction in Brendan. It took Ste awhile to realise that he was sitting on more than Brendan's lap.

"Aww does little Bren want to come out to play?" He joked.

"Hey, less of the little." Brendan quickly retorted.

Ste smirked as he wriggled around to find a position that would allow him full access to Brendan.

It was times like this, he was glad he was ambidextrous. As Brendan reclined his head back, and completely exposed his throat, Ste thought that this was the most relaxed he had seen him in a week. He took advantage and held his Adam's apple in a vice of teeth, licking all that he had captured.

Brendan's approval rumbled through his chest like thunder.

Soon Brendan was panting. His gullet was beginning to make incoherent noises. He was arching his back and leaning closer and closer to Ste. To Ste's hand in particular.

So Ste removed it.

It took less than a second for Brendan to register the loss of stimulation.

"I can't go on like this; this needs to be sorted." Ste said.

"What, wha the?" Brendan was utterly disorientated.

He felt as though he was trying to pat his head and rub his stomach at the same time; and his ears didn't work for some reason. What was Stephen talking about now?

"What's going on? Stephen come back to me."

"No, I mean it Bren. I need to be more than this. I am more than this."

Brendan was trying to force his heart rate to slow down faster. All his nerve endings had been heading for jubilation and now they were having to re-route themselves. He wasn't as young as he once was, these things now took time.

In anger he lashed out verbally.

"What are you fifteen? Hot, cold, on, off ? Make your mind up Stephen and stop pissing around."

"Me make me mind up? That's rich coming from you. All I want is an open, honest, _out_ relationship and all you wanna do, is hide out in the attic. Well I've had it up to here."

Ste indicated his head.

"I don't want everything, but sometimes it would be nice to have something."

"We have something Stephen. We have each other."

"I don't have you, not really. It's not good what we have Bren. It's not healthy. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, well that's bollocks; what doesn't kill you, maims."

Brendan couldn't understand what the big deal was. All his life he had been told that what he desired was pure filth, disgusting, tainted. He had tried to believe this too. Tried to take on the same mindset of those who were raising him. His body had other ideas though. It was aflame around men. Ecstatic to be near other boys. It would not calm down, not even when he was hanging out with his friends.

It had been a hard fought battle, but in the end a truce had been reached with his psyche. As long as he was discreet, covert, undercover. As long as he only occupied the extreme peripheral vision of others, he could exist. No-one said any about happiness.

If this was obvious to him, why was Stephen so determined to buck the system?

It worked.

It was working.

So why?

"You want a fairytale, with hearts and flowers, presents and chocolates. Well life's not like that son. Grow up."

"What's wrong with presents and chocolates. What's wrong with a bit of appreciation?

Brendan saw an opening, a way of getting back to their interrupted activities.

He gently took hold of Ste's head and brushed his cheeks, chin and lips with his own lips.

"I'll be your chocolate Stephen.

I'm sweet.

I'll coat your throat."

His voice was so low, it buzzed like machinery.

Ste was nobody's fool and pushed Brendan back with two fingers.

"Sorry, you're not one of my five-a-day."

Exasperated Brendan exclaimed.

"What do you want from me?"

"I've realised nothing now, because what I want you cannot or will not give me, so I open my hands.

I release you."

Brendan watched his heart swirl towards the plug hole, before it disappeared anticlockwise down the drain. He was in the wrong hemisphere, the wrong time zone. He shouldn't be here. He shouldn't be hearing this.

"I love you Stephen."

"So you keep saying Brendan, but you can't use that as a get-out-of-jail free card.

It doesn't give you Carte Blanche to treat me like crap. As though I don't exist.

You keep saying you love me and you're the only person who'll ever love me like you do, but I'm not so sure.

I'll take my chances.

You're not my only option Mr Brady."

With tears in his eyes, Ste stepped out of Brendan's embrace and walked out of the room. He had to fight his natural impulse to slam the door behind him, like the teenager Brendan accused him of being.

-OOO-

Ste made his way home with a heavy heart. He sadly thought of his predicament. He felt that Brendan's love was like a heat haze. Hot, oppressive, claustrophobic and forever out of reach.

He was beginning to feel that he would always be a hopeless case.

The man who wouldn't love.

Tragic.

-OOO-

Brendan was left alone with his thoughts. In all honesty he wished they had left along with Ste, his scalp and his brain itched with questions and justifications.

What Ste was proposing was preposterous wasn't it?

He was too keen, too insistent.

He wanted kisses and touches and promises. He wanted to come out from underneath the covers where he and Brendan lived. Where Brendan would whisper _I love you, you're mine_ against his skin and hope that Ste would recognise the message from the outline of his lips, his tongue providing the full stop, his heart providing the page.

Brendan pondered on this.

Daylight and disclosure would destroy this. He had to protect _this _from the light at all costs.

It was for Stephen's own good, wasn't it?

-OOO-

**Comments are always appreciated.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Come Out, Come Out.**

Cheryl felt happier than she had done in ages. Things were finally slotting into place.

Her hair had behaved itself, three days in a row now. She had made a start on her New Year's Resolution to get fit, by booking herself into six Zumba classes at Cinergy (yes thank you, she was well aware of the fact that it was March); and Brendan and her were closer than ever.

She felt she ought to say a little prayer. To offer up a rosary in gratitude.

It was true that Brendan and her hadn't had a chance to discuss in detail, what he had revealed to her a few nights ago; but Cheryl was confident that it was only a matter of time, before they would be having a heart to heart again (hot chocolate optional).

If Cheryl's feet were aware of the fact they needed to tread carefully, they had yet to inform her head.

-O-

That evening as Cheryl peeled off her falsies, she reflected on Brendan's heartfelt outpouring to her, and a thought struck her .

Something small but significant was missing.

A name.

A hint of a name even.

Brendan hadn't revealed who exactly it was that he was dating.

Strange.

It was unlike him.

When they were growing up in Belfast, Brendan had often regaled her with tales of his shenanigans.

"Oh Chez, you should see the curves on her. She'd tempt a Saint, sure she would."

Cheryl would always throw her head back and shriek, as she'd shake her curls in mock disbelief.

"You're terrible Bren" she'd respond, whilst looking at him with pure love and affection.

This time however, she hadn't been given the opportunity.

-OOO-

**Much later.**

Cheryl entered Brendan's bedroom quietly.

She carefully sat down by his right shoulder and gazed at him thoughtfully, before angling his bedside lamp towards his eyes and switching it on.

"Bren, I've been thinking."

"What, wha? Chez, what the hell d'you think you're playing at?"

"I've been thinking."

"Now? Now's the time you do your thinking? At 2am?"

Brendan rearranged his eye-mask to try to block out as much of the full-on beam as possible.

"You see something's not quite right."

"You are out of your mind Chez, go back to bed. Go away."

"Your girl, your new fancy, why didn't you name her?"

Brendan sat up at this point, removing his mask, more alert than he had been all day.

"What do ye mean?"

"You didn't tell me her name."

"Yeah I did."

"No you didn't Bren.

You usually wax lyrical about your girls. Always telling me which one snorts when she laughs, or who has chipped nail varnish; but on Tuesday, not a word."

Brendan let out a sigh. This was going to be easier to-side-step than he'd thought.

"Do ye not think you ought to get out more Cheryl? Not focus on me so much.

All work and no play, makes for one demented lil' bunny ye know."

"Don't try an' fob me off Brendan Brady, you're hiding something an' I wanna know what. Is she married?

"No."

"Ugly?"

"No."

"Curvier than public tastes allow?

Brendan had to smirk at that one.

Cheryl's eyes immediately widened.

"Bigger?

Size of a skip?"

She gasped.

"Not tourist attraction big?

"No Chez, what do you take me for? Get out of my room and get back to your own bed."

"Not a chance B boy."

Cheryl twisted and shifted herself into a more comfortable position.

"There has to be a reason why you were playing The Pronoun Game."

"The what game? I swear you make these things up."

"The Pronoun Game. You didn't once say _she_ when you were opening up your heart, just the ambiguous _they_ or you simply swallowed when the chance to be specific came up. What's that all about?"

If Brendan had been half-asleep before, he was definitely awake now.

Awake, attentive and afraid.

He had to pull her focus in another direction. His life depended on it.

The Gods were playing Poker. Brendan wanted in, he knew he had the face for it. They had other ideas though. The stakes were higher than he could ever have imagined.

"You need to take this to your therapist Chez, no offence, but you're insane."

"Not so fast Bren, not so fast."

"Look Chezza, I was half-way through watching Lassie round up those damn sheep, so how about I take you out for a slap-up lunch with a side order of shopping thrown in and we can poke around the ashes of my sad pathetic love-life until the cows come home. What d'ye say?"

Cheryl gave every impression of not having heard that last statement.

"No, no, no, this is like that theatrical encounter. In Belfast. You remember don't you? You and the boys must've been about twenty or so."

Brendan froze and looked at Cheryl horrified. Even though she probably hadn't noticed in the partially lit room, Brendan had lightened by several shades,

"How do you know about that?"

"Ah Bren, it was common knowledge."

"No it wasn't" came the instant reply.

"Hate to break it to ye love, but it was."

This conversation had just moved a whole lot nearer the knuckle, than Brendan had ever thought possible.

He needed a Royal Flush if he was to leave this game unscathed with chips to spare.

"Since when did you listen to idle gossip?"

"Since the whole town was talking. Bren it was massive. You were innocent of course but it took Maria O' Callaghan having twins out of wedlock to push you off the No1 gossip hot spot."

Brendan felt sick, faint, flushed and freezing all at once, at the memory.

-OOO-

_**Belfast Ireland circa 15 years ago.**_

_Cheryl Brady wasn't one to listen to gossip, as a rule; but try as she might she couldn't keep her ears away from what was swirling around her friends, her school, her girl guide troupe. _

_It was everywhere._

_She was a good girl (usually, unless there was chocolate involved). She followed every rule presented to her, always learn your spellings, learn your catechism by rote, don't smoke, ever and family comes first; but loyalty alone wasn't enough to plug her ears against the tide of tales, that were being told about her brother._

_-O-_

_Everyone had been happy, at first._

_A new exotic show was coming to town, not that Cheryl would be allowed to go and see it. It was for grown-ups only apparently. Although Brendan and his mates were going, and Cheryl didn't count them as being grown-ups in any way, shape or form._

_The Ladyboys of Bangkok were going to be performing their Mile High Tour in the Spiegel tent in the Custom House Square, in the centre of town, twice nightly, for a week. Those who were well travelled (or show-offs as Cheryl called them) said that the act was a regular feature at the Edinburgh Festival and always went down a storm._

_Everyone was excited, Belfast was often overlooked when international shows went on tour, London and Paris seemed to be the usual pit-stops; promoters appeared reluctant to look to their left geographically._

_Brendan and his gang had managed to acquire some tickets (it was always best to gloss over any details) and a date had been set._

_Cheryl's mum, Orla had been pleased that Brendan was keen to immerse himself in a cultural activity for a change. Cheryl turned a deaf ear to her father's thoughts on the matter._

_-O-_

_On the night in question, everyone had had a fantastic time by all accounts, and the boys had followed some girls back to an after party of sorts. Now this is where the story divides into several parts._

_Some say that a dare was made to see who could chat up the prettiest girls in the room, others say that "the" most stunningly beautiful girls entered the place and targeted the young men and finally some with bitter tongues and faithless hearts, mentioned money changing hands._

_What is known, is that each of the boys managed to "walk a girl home" that night._

_Cheryl had to piece the following events together from several sources. According to Kathleen Doyle who's brother worked at the same garage as Pete's friend Paddy, each of the boys arrived home fairly quickly after saying "goodnight" to their dates, rather shaken._

_Pete apparently kept rinsing his mouth out with medicated mouthwash for two days. Tom Kirk refused point blank to date any girl he hadn't gone to school with, ever again and Liam Fitzpatrick narrowly escaped an assault charge. _

_It would seem their dates were more boys than ladies._

_-O-_

_No-one could account for Brendan._

_For nearly three hours._

_-O-_

_Now this bit Cheryl could remember with clarity, when Brendan arrived home, he was fine, calm, happy even, certainly not upset or agitated like the others were reported to have been._

_This changed however once the others got in contact._

_Cheryl watched her brother become the butt of their jokes, as everyone pulled his leg about how slow he was on the uptake. How it took him three hours to realise what was apparent to them within twenty minutes._

_Initially he coped well; but then the story got out. _

_Rumours started._

_Why the delay?_

_Was there something wrong with him?_

_Didn't he try it on with "her"? His nickname amongst the local girls was beautifully-behaved Brendan after all._

_Why no angry outburst?_

_This, coupled with the fact that he wasn't "home-grown" marked Brendan's cards. Set him apart._

_It was around this time Cheryl noticed that the ticks, twitches and other idiosyncrasies started to appear in _

_Brendan's behaviour. He started to stutter for a bit, especially when it came to pronouns. He would avoid using them at all costs._

_Cheryl noticed things like that._

_-O-_

_An unexpected plus point from this entire episode was that Brendan became her new best friend._

_He suddenly had more time for her._

_He also dated more ...and never went to the theatre again._

_-OOO-_

**Brendan's bedroom.**

Brendan felt he was drowning in the sheen of cold perspiration that was covering his body and beginning to cover his bed.

This time Cheryl noticed.

"Are you alright hun? You're looking a bit peaky. You should've said if you were feeling unwell.

Here's me rabbiting on and on and you look ready to pass out.

It's late, in fact it's early.

I'll go.

Night love.

Get some rest."

Never had Brendan been so glad to see the back of someone.

He slumped exhausted against his damp pillows.

The Gods moved around the table and took their seats again. They dealt themselves another hand.

-OOO-

Despite the hour at which they had finally gone to bed, both Bradys were up early.

Cheryl kicked herself as she realised that she had missed out on using the bathroom first, again.

"Hey Bren, don't use all the hot water d'you hear?"

A deep-throated chuckle was all she heard through the bathroom door in response.

"Oh an' keep your sticky mitts off my peach surprise bath oil too."

An outright laugh was given in reply to this.

"One more thing Bren, are you gay?"

Silence.

Cheryl waited for a reaction. She heard the sound of the taps being turned off.

The Gods actually put down their cards on the table and leaned forward, engaged too.

"What did you just say to me?" Even though Brendan knew he was talking to his own sister, he failed to keep the menace out of his voice.

Cheryl was nervous now, even so she managed to repeat her question.

"Are you gay Bren love?"

Brendan quickly considered his options.

He could explode violently and scare his sister to kingdom come, damaging their relationship in the process.

He could joke his way out of this.

Or he could silently slip under the rapidly cooling water and lay there, forever.

They say nature abhors a vacuum, well Cheryl felt the same way about silence, she just had to rush in.

"It's just that I've been thinking hun, like I said and it's the only thing that makes any sense. I know my brain runs away with itself at times and leads me up blind alleys, but I don't think I'm wrong this time.

Are you..pet?"

Brendan decided on the joke option.

"Gay, Chez? I'm not even happy."

Cheryl smiled, it was just like her brother to try and charm his way out of a difficult situation, but she heard the fear in his voice.

"It doesn't matter to me if you are hun. I'll always love you. You'll always be my big brother."

"Don't, don't say that Chez."

Cheryl moved closer to the door.

"Why not?" She asked gently.

She could feel the anguish in the air.

"It's sick. I'm sick. You shouldn't be anywhere near me."

"I'm not going anywhere Bren. I love you, can't help it."

Cheryl heard the sound of water being disturbed. She felt as though Brendan had stepped up to the door.

She sensed him lean against it.

"Chez you don't understand, it's abnormal, weak, disgusting.

I am not weak I'm not."

Cheryl heard his voice break.

"It's not abnormal, it's a variation on a theme that's all.

It's you."

Cheryl reached out her hand, she stroked where she thought his cheek may be, brushing aside his tears.

"Pretend you don't know Chez - please."

She could hear his sobs now.

"It'll be fine."

"No it won't. You'll look at me differently now, like I'm odd.

You'll view me differently. You won't rely on me any more.

You won't think I'm capable."

"That's nonsense and you know it."

"All I know is that I'll never be a proper man, while I'm like this."

"All I know is that, this was not the bath time you were expecting and you'll get over this.

_This_ will be easier to bear now, that you're not hiding anymore.

Now come out here and give me a hug."

Brenda unlocked the door slowly.

Cheryl flew into his arms. It was like being hit by a bullet of love.

She overlooked the fact he was dressed only in a small towel and was soaking wet.

She pulled back to get a good look at him.

Tears had found homes in both their eyes.

Brendan was trying and failing to keep an apprehensive smile on his face.

"What gave you the first clue?" He asked.

Cheryl bent down and picked up his eye-mask that had fallen on the floor, outside the bathroom.

She handed it to him. They both read the message emblazoned on it and smiled.

_Diamonds are a girl's best friend._

Subtle as a brick.

"It was just staring me in the face" Cheryl said.

She kissed him on the cheek.

"So do I get a name now or what?"

Brendan's face threatened to freeze over permanently, but Cheryl held her nerve until he eventually gave in.

"Stephen."

"Stephen who?"

She looked confused , and then she gasped.

"Wee Ste?"

"He's not so wee Cheryl, trust me." Brendan said with a smirk.

"Wow, I knew he was on the other bus, but I didn't know you were sitting there next to him.

Isn't he a bit…?"

"A bit what Chez?"

"Young for you?"

"Cheryl!"

"Ok, okay, I was just a bit surprised that's all, well I never."

"Well I have." Brendan blushed at his comment.

Cheryl laughed, it was good to have her brother back.

"Fancy a cuppa hun?" She offered.

"After the morning I've had, I could do with something stronger, a lot stronger with ice."

Cheryl rolled her eyes as they headed towards the kitchen, best friends forever.

-OOO-

**Comments are always appreciated.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Wherever You Are.**

Brendan stepped out of his house.

The world hadn't shifted off its axis. The sky was still above him. The sun was shining, and

Cheryl knew.

Brendan couldn't quite believe it. He hardly dared breathe. He re-adjusted his sunglasses and checked about himself, as was customary; you could never be too careful, what with being a _gay man_ an' all.

There he had said it. Said the words that he had been too frightened to even think, for eighteen years.

He felt sure that he had grown two inches in a day; such was the relief.

-O-

The previous day had been a blur.

Cheryl had wanted to talk and talk and discuss, and expound and debate his sexual preferences.

At length.

The day had been measured out by Jameson's, coffee, hot chocolate, back round to Jameson's again.

He'd actually run out of ice at one point.

The thing that had struck him the most, the fact that still lingered was that, even with opened eyes, Cheryl still loved him. He had managed to hold on to one person's adoration, now that he stood in broad daylight. A warm glow spread through him.

His psyche could do nothing but smile.

Unable to duck out of the spirit of glasnost that had settled over the house, Brendan had brought Cheryl up-to-date on his current situation - completely.

She was not happy.

She may still love him, but she was not averse to telling him off.

Idiot, fool and numpty had been a few of her well chosen words.

Brendan would have loved to have argued back, but…

So, as efficient as ever, Cheryl had issued him with an instruction for today.

"Go get your man." She had decreed.

Brendan knew when to pay attention.

He still jumped though when Cheryl tapped on the window and made a shooing motion with her hand.

Her admonishment spurred him on.

"Laters potatoes" he murmured to the glass.

He strode away.

He felt as though his toughest day was behind him.

-OOO-

Brendan didn't like to boast (well not usually without an audience), but he really did feel that he could read Ste like a book. He knew temper tantrums were normally followed by sulks and then shy looks, pouts, random bits of conversation and then kisses. The time scale for this one man show ranged from a few hours to three days maximum. By his reckoning, he was due a kiss by lunchtime; and Brendan was feeling hungry.

Instinctively feeling that this meal would have to be self-service, Brendan made his way over to his favourite council estate-not. Fortified with the vitamins of Cheryl's encouragement, Brendan knocked on Ste's door out of a politeness he rarely displayed.

Amy opened the door, the salt had already been spilt on the tablecloth, no matter he would easily brush it aside.

"Top of the morning to ye Amy. May I speak with Stephen please?"

"You can't" came the surly reply.

"Why would that be?" Brendan asked feeling his hackles rise by the second.

"He's gone."

"He's gone!" _That wasn't in the book._

"Gone where?"

"I dunno. Just gone. Said he needed to get away." Amy folded her arms in satisfaction.

Brendan ran his tongue over his teeth. They desperately needed moisture, suddenly.

"If you're lying to me Amy, I swear…"

"Why would I lie to you Brendan? I already hate you and I can tell you that to your face, so why lie?

Every fibre of his being wanted to slap that sneer out of Amy's mouth.

Every instinct of his body knew he could not.

So Brendan remained suspended in inactivity. An inactivity which Amy could read and enjoyed reading.

The balance of power between them, shifted slightly.

"Did he leave a forwarding address?" He asked lightly. Even though she was annoying his every last nerve, Brendan knew he had to continue to communicate with Amy for a little while longer.

She snorted.

"If he did, do you think I'd give it to you. He hates you and with good reason. You screw with him. You screw him. Beat him, Abandon him and then expect him to be waiting for you with open arms. How deluded are you Brendan?"

Brendan momentarily closed his eyes to block out her truths.

_She doesn't understand. She doesn't understand us._

"He's mine. I love him."

Both Brendan and Amy stopped breathing. They stared at each other wide-eyed. Both equally shocked by the words which had fallen from Brendan lips.

The Gods doubled all their bets.

Amy soften.

Brendan shook.

"What did you say?" She whispered.

"Just let him know I'm looking for him yeah?" Brendan started to back away, deliberately avoiding eye-contact.

Amy stepped forward and grabbed his departing arm. Forcing him to look at her again.

"Is this true? If so, you've a funny way of showing it. Does Ste know?"

Brendan flinched.

"Tell him, I'll be at the club." He said continuing his own private conversation.

Amy gazed at him long and hard before saying.

"D'you know what? I will." She gave his arm the gentlest of pats before letting go completely.

Brendan stumbled backwards slightly, as though she had been holding him up.

"Mmm" was all he could allow himself to mutter. He was putting his mouth on a time-out that was for sure.

-OOO-

Brendan didn't allow the fact that he was stunned to interfere with his stride. If anything he gathered pace as he walked away from Amy's domain. In no time at all he had reached the taxi rank, just in time to see Rae depart the final cab in line. She awkwardly manoeuvred her oversized duffle bag out of the back seat.

She looked unhappy.

Once she spotted Brendan however, she looked positively thunderous.

"You've got a nerve" she called across the cabs.

Brendan paused briefly. Rae had never been his favourite person, nor he hers. He had only seen her as an obstacle and decoy until recently; but not even Brendan could dismiss that easily, the pain that a miscarriage, the loss of a child, could induce, both physically and emotionally.

Brendan had felt that pain.

Rae had the bit between her teeth.

"Swanning around here, without a care in the world, when mine's been shattered thanks to you."

The bitterness that coated her words appeared brand new, although Brendan knew it had been keeping her company for some time.

Despite this, Brendan felt the need to defend himself.

"I never meant to hurt you Rae, believe me."

Incensed, Rae dropped her bag and advanced on him.

"Believe you, why the hell should I? You've destroyed me and my child, all so you could play your games with Ste. Did you even consider me in all this? Or was I just the sleeping partner? Out of sight, out of mind?"

"It wasn't like that. It was meant to be simple, straight-forward. I'm sorry it got complicated."

"It's too late for apologies now, she's dead!"

Her words winded Brendan; he lost the inches he'd grown overnight.

The Gods temporarily turned their backs.

Whilst Brendan's brain tried to come up with an appropriate response, Rae stretched up to her full height, jumped a little and delivered a well-aimed slap to his left cheek.

Brendan nodded in acknowledgement. He deserved that.

"You have to understand, I couldn't let go. I can't let go. I love him."

It was now Rae's turn to be struck dumb.

Not once during her dark days had she ever considered this dalliance to be serious. She had always thought that Brendan enjoyed manipulating people for his own amusement. Never had she contemplated, that he may have invested any part of himself in this affair.

The notion that he had a heart was almost untenable.

Eventually she found her tongue.

"Does Ste know this?"

Brendan crumbled a little more in answer.

"Don't you think you should tell him? Then maybe some good can come out of this whole mess."

Brendan forced himself to look at Rae, as he thought he'd just heard a hint of compassion in her voice.

She was staring up at him, not with love, but with slightly less venom than she had previously had.

"I will" he said with a flicker of a smile. "I will." Brendan backed away from Rae slowly; he wanted to keep an eye on where her hands were.

His to- do list had just got longer.

-OOO-

Brendan continued to walk backwards. His brain was having trouble keeping up with the day's events.

Rae's raw pain had cut deeper than he had expected.

As a result of his backwards stance, he quite literally bumped into Mitzeee.

"Oi watch it Sunshine. Look where you're going why don't you?"

"Ahh Anne, what a pleasure it is to make your acquaintance today."

"Really? Oh. Well anyway I was hoping to bump into you too, only not quite like this.

How are you fixed for later on today?"

"Woah hold it there Anne, I'm busy busy all day."

"You were. Look Brendo this is business, a golden opportunity to raise my profile to the next level."

"Not today."

"You're not listening Bren. The Only Way Is Chester wants yours truly to audition for their next series. This afternoon. I'm just off to get a mani-pedi before starting on my hair. I'm doing that myself because have you seen the state of Carmel's recently and she's supposed to be trained, although trained where is anyone's guess."

"Stop with the syllables woman. I can't do anything today. I'm not available."

"Pleeeeese Brenny. I need a big strong manly man to show me off to my full potential. I can't be overshadowed by those bronzed blonde bits again. I need this."

"I know you can hear me 'cause I'm standing right in front of ye. I said no Anne."

Mitzeee squinted up at Brendan and considered what he was actually saying, for the first time during this conversation.

"Why not?"

"I've told you at least twice, I'm busy"

"Doing what?" She shot back.

"Stuff."

"Like?"

"Just stuff."

"It's not anything to do with that fake boyfriend of yours is it?"

Brendan's blood began to heat up.

"He's not the fake Anne, you are and you know it."

"Well who's the only one you're willing to be seen in public with?

Who's the one on your arm? I don't see you buying him drinks openly in bars."

Brendan bared his teeth.

"You don't see it, yet."

"Are you telling me, you're taking the hinges off your comfortable closet at long last?"

Brendan swayed slightly at the suggestion.

"Thought not."

"Please you've got to understand, it's not that simple."

"It can be."

Brendan faltered.

"I, I know I can't be without him. I love him, but the details, they're difficult."

The syllables stopped, momentarily.

Brendan felt the cool breeze of freedom drift across his face.

"Well, well, well, a new day dawns. What does Ste say about this? Does he even know?"

Brendan looked in the middle distance, despondent that once again his failings were being pointed out to him, by a woman.

"So what are you still doing chatting to me in the street? Get a shift on. Go."

Mitzeee made use of her triple-decker platform shoes to hug Brendan around the chest.

"Go get him Tiger" She smiled with enthusiasm and hope.

Brendan ruffled her collection of curls.

"Gerroff Brendo, you're just making more work for later" she good-naturedly informed him.

Brendan took his leave, facing the right way this time. He wanted to have his wits about him.

-OOO-

As Brendan put more and more distance between himself and Mitzeee, he thought he heard the faintest crowing of a cock. It sent a shiver down his spine. He absent-mindedly touched his cross and quickened his pace.

Having walked the length and breadth of Hollyoaks to no avail, Brendan decided he needed a new perspective on his situation; so he climbed the stairs of Chez Chez and surveyed all that he could see.

It was at this point that his eyes deceived him, because he thought he spotted Ste and he was not alone.

-O-

Everything slowed down.

His heartbeat, his breathing, his movements both body and eye.

Even though he didn't want them to, his eyes relayed the following images to him.

It would seem that Ste was exiting a very plush vehicle with a tall lean black man.

They appeared relaxed in each other's company. They seemed, close.

He watched as they helped each other with their luggage.

Watched as they moved as one.

Watched as they laughingly joined together.

Hand-in-hand.

Then lip-to-lip.

Brendan was sure that he felt his glass heart fragment, shatter and fall to the bottom of his soul.

No-one would be making a diamond from these remnants.

The Gods held out their arms to catch his empty shell of a body.

-O-

It was the soundtrack that finally crushed him.

He heard laughter, lots of it.

This man made Stephen happy.

Brendan physically backed away from the railings. His soul could only take so much and he didn't want to be seen to be eavesdropping on elation. To be seen as a Peeping Tom on perfection.

-O-

Brendan slipped through the eye of the needle.

How on earth had this happened?

How did a sub-standard sulk evolve into this?

He felt as though his life was a kaleidoscope, which had been involuntarily shifted to the left.

Who was this man?

Why did he know of his existence?

Brendan spied Ste moving in for another kiss. Like a child's doll, his companion tipped his head back and closed his eyes automatically to receive it.

Brendan narrowed his eyes, willing Ste to look at him; which amazingly he did.

His eyes locked with Brendan's.

His features displayed not one ounce of remorse.

In fact he deepened the kiss, gripping his beau's head and clinging to his body until Brendan was the one forced to look away.

Decimated.

Still reeling, Brendan watched as they mounted the stairs beside his flat, together.

A thought struck.

_Keep your friends closer and your enemies closer._

He smiled.

Brendan had glimpsed a glimmer of hope.

He rallied himself.

Stephen was and always would be his.

The Gods ordained it.

His soul proclaimed it, and Cheryl said so.

Brendan turned and entered his club, a plan already hatching.

_Oh dark one, you may be standing between me and mine now, but you won't be for long._

As the door swung slowly shut behind him, Brendan felt calmer than he had done for several minutes.

He reached his office, his desk and played with his executive toy.

Watching the silver balls rhythmically crash into one another, soothed him.

He now felt as though a gauntlet had been thrown.

If this was the way Ste wanted to play it, so be it.

Ding ding. Round one; but know this Stephen, the gloves are off, no holds barred.

I'm not pulling my punches anymore.

I'm not hiding anymore.

_**Fin**_

-OOO-

_**Comments are always appreciated.**_


End file.
